Dirkmonster

Get fit in winter with the "Carol Birdsong" treadmill workout

When winter weather delivers a glancing blow to Middle Tennessee, my kids love to get a recorded call from Carol Birdsong saying that "Williamson County Schools will be closed".  Carol has become somewhat of a cult hero in our community, with a fan page on Facebook and a song that is all but a snow dance intended to evoke a call from Carol.

Carol rang our phone 4 times this week and the kids got a second winter break out of the deal.

Parents of elementary school students will tell you they like hearing from Carol Birdsong a great deal less than their children do.  It means an unavoidable interruption of the natural rhythm of the family unit. So, we all are left to make the best of Carol Birdsong's snow days.

My coping strategy this week was to take the kids with me to the YMCA where they could enjoy the playroom and gym while I got in a workout.  My friend had the same idea and as the week dragged on, we found ourselves on the treadmill at the Y again and again.  We discussed how ironic it is that the Republicans that govern the reddest county in America are so liberal in handing out snow days.

Be that as it may, I came down with a case of Carol Birdsong fever.  The only cure was to sweat it out on the treadmill and in the process I devised a treadmill workout I like to call "The Birdsong".  Here's how it works:

A chief advantage of the Birdsong is that it battles the mind numbing boredom of the treadmill by requiring constant adjustment of the machine's settings.  It is a 60 minute workout that doesn't give faint hearted school bus drivers any more courage to brave the roads, but on the other hand when you're done it's an hour closer to springtime.

1. Start the treadmill in manual mode as you'll have to make decisions under pressure, just as Carol does.
2. Adjust the speed to a comfortable walking pace.  I use 4.0 MPH.
3. Now I'm walking but not getting anywhere, kind of like letting the machine answer Birdsong's call.
4. I watch the "Elapsed Time" readout on the treadmill control panel.  At precisely 1 minute into the workout, I adjust the incline control to 1.
5. I keep walking, staying in the moment, resisting the temptation to wonder when my child's education will resume.  At two minutes in, I raise the incline to 2.
6. At three minutes, I raise the incline to 3.  Having alignment between the time and the incline helps not to confuse my simple mind, which has been stunted by two many snow days when I was a kid.
7. I continue raising the incline one level as each minute ends, until the end of the 5th minute when the incline is at level (think think think!) ah yes, level 5.
8. At the beginning of the 6th minute I decrease the incline level to 4.  I'm headed back down.
9. At the beginning of the 7th minute, I decrease to incline level 3 and so on.  The numbers are slightly more confusing to me since they don't match at this stage, but they'll always add up to 10 which is conveniently the number of fingers I have to count on.
10. At the beginning the 10th minute, I am back down to incline level 0.
11. This 10 minute period is the warm-up, a prayer really for a warm up outside.  At the beginning of the eleventh minute, I go back up to incline level 1.
12. I continue as before, increasing the incline one notch at the beginning of every minute. However, the Birdsong requires me to fly higher this time.  At the beginning of the sixteenth minute I increase to incline level 6.
13. Minute by minute I work my way up to the twentieth minute when I spend 60 seconds in the Death Zone: Incline level 10.  Sometimes I go ahead and hold on to the handles in order to avoid an embarrassing fall like Icarus did, no doubt on a snow day in Greece long ago.
14. At the beginning of the twenty-first minute, I drop back down to level 9.  Now on the way back down, the math adds up to twenty but I can't take off my running shoes to count on my fingers and toes.  Channeling my inner "Little Engine that Could" helps as I huff "I think I can, I think I can."
15. All the way back down to level zero and I'm at 30 minutes: Half way through The Birdsong Workout.
16. Over the next twenty minutes I go all the way back up to 10 and all the way back down to zero.  Somewhere, I imagine, Carol is booting up the robo-call machine again.
17. With only 10 minutes to go, I warm down with a trip up to 5 and back down.
18. At sixty minutes I'm done and feel like I could drive the damn school bus myself.

Let's say school is opening two hours late.  In that case, the "Half-Birdsong" is an option in which I do 30 minutes and only do three sets up to level 5.

School was back in session today.  I still went to the Y, but didn't have what it took to pull a Birdsong. But you can bet the next time Carol comes a' calling, I'll put on my snow shoes and make tracks to the Y. Thanks for all you do Carol, to keep us informed and healthy.

 

The Sweat Suits in the Sauna

I could have easily caught a horrible beating in the sauna at the YMCA today.  And all because I almost put on a rubber sweat suit.

A friend and I have been working out at the YMCA consistently for about a month and are starting to enjoy the benefits of regular exercise.  And by that I mean, we walk around like we own the place.  The thing is, membership in the Y means baring yourself (often literally) and your sociological underpinnings to the community in general.  One thing I have observed is that the YMCA, in addition to harboring smells I have never encountered anywhere else, is a self-contained behavioral laboratory.  In particular, it's difficult not to notice behavior that, when filtered through my own preconceptions, seems odd.  And if I notice it, sometimes I feel like reacting to it.

For instance, there's the guy who stands in front of a mirror using the communal hair dryer to dry off his balls and butt crack.  There's also the guy who reclines naked on the armchairs to watch Fox News (obviously engaging in two abhorrent behaviors simultaneously). Really?  Did I really just see that?  I don't think I would do that at home let alone in the YMCA locker room.  But I guess that's a hang up of mine and I shouldn't judge it as deviant behavior.

Much more commonly seen are members who clearly believe that the rules do not apply to them.  In the above example, I have to say "to each his own", for there are no signs saying "Please: Don't Use the Hair Dryer on Your Balls".  But there are signs every few feet at the Y that expressly prohibit the use of cell phones in the workout area.  Yet I regularly see people making and taking calls while on an exercise machine. Some even have the hands free ear pieces to make it even more convenient to ignore the rules.  Now, this in particular is not one of my personal pet peeves, but I understand that there is a common conception that it's rude. Furthermore, I'm aware that wierdos can and do take unauthorized photographs with their cell phones.  So the Y has a policy against it.  That's it, right?  But in comes the psychological mindset that drives a person to openly flaunt the rules in public.  I tend to think it's arrogance above all else, but maybe certain people are just oblivious.  Maybe it's both or something else, I don't get it.

In my view, the regulatory stakes are raised when I get inside the locker room complex.  This area includes lockers, toilets, showers and the hot tub, sauna and steam room.  In addition to the cell phone ban, there are certain hygienic rules.  Nevertheless, there are always the dudes that go in the hot tub without a swimsuit.  Or let it all hang out in the sauna.  I've even seen a guy pour a bucket of water on the heating element in the sauna, situated under a huge sign that says that could ruin it or cause electrocution.   And when that happens, do I confront the violation head on?  Usually, no.  It can however turn into a passive aggressive drama in which I see how far I can push it without dealing with it like an adult.

Which brings me to today's incident in the sauna which I should really turn into a script for Curb Your Enthusiasm.  In this case, my buddy and I entered the sauna and found something we've never seen before.  There, taking up 3/4 of the cedar bench space, were three carefully laid out sweat suits...without anyone in them.  With a closer look, these were not your ordinary sweat suits.  They appeared to be made of a rubbery material.

My friend and I had a discussion about how these suits got there, who they belonged to and why the owners left them there to bake.  Incidentally, we agreed it was bad form to take up most of the limited space in the sauna to preheat one's sweat suit.  We wondered if leaving a sweat suit in the sauna was the functional equivalent of leaving the newspaper behind, and thus fair game for anyone to utilize.  We laughed as we imagined the owners returning to carry out their elaborate sweat mission only to find us quietly meditating wearing their suits.  It would be the ultimate passive aggressive censure of this absurd ritual playing out before us.  My friend encouraged me to try on the biggest suit.  I felt kind of like Goldilocks as a checked the door and then leaned over and picked up the top portion of the suit.  I honestly might have put the thing on if it wasn't immediately clear that the only thing harder than getting that thing on would be getting it off.  It would have been like trying to wear a rubber as a shirt.

No sooner had I put it back in roughly the same place, did the Three Bears in this Goldilocks drama return to the sauna.  We gave them the obligatory nod as they sat down next to, really all over, the suits.  One produced a jar of something which he began rubbing all over his torso.  I gathered this was the "lube" needed to don the suit.  Just then my friend, who is able and willing to talk to anyone, asked the question: "Are those your suits?"

"Yes", was the answer to the silly question.  But then the little one volunteered some shocking information.  They were using these suits in order to make weight later that day prior to their mixed martial arts cage fights the next night.  It didn't take 10 seconds to realize these guys were the real deal with their tattoos, scars and crooked noses.  They were all built like a brick shit house.  The big one even had the grotesque "cauliflower" ear that these fighters get from getting torn up over and over.

Needless to say, I was glad I wasn't wearing the big one's sweat suit when they walked back in.  The sauna would have reminded him of the cage as he rehearsed his Brazilian Jujitsu arts on me.  Later I asked my friend if he would have admitted knowing me.  I learned he would have instinctively replied, "Nope, I just saw him put your condom suit on with nothing underneath."

We got answers to a few sincere questions regarding the tough way they made a living:

One had to lose 8 more pounds in the next 4 hours.

It was the smaller one's first professional fight but he said he wasn't nervous.

Wrestling is in the background of most MMA fighters.

Talking in the sauna only makes you suffer heat exhaustion more quickly.  "I'm tapping out fellas," I said as I got up to leave.  Not a word or a chuckle at my clever comment, which confirmed that these guys likely had no sense of humor on weigh-in day.  Yes, wearing the suit likely would not have made them laugh so much.

So many lessons to learn at the Y.  "Live and let live" is probably the safest route.  It's up to me to follow the rules, and not up to me to make sure everyone else does.  And if someone else's behavior is bothering me, there's likely something I should address within myself first.  Most importantly, always assume there's a cage fighter waiting to catch me acting like a wise-ass.

 

Chilled in the moment

I took a plunge into the 45 degree water of Percy Priest Lake on New Year's Day and didn't want it to end.

It was an awakening to some of the spiritual forces that can make my life full on a daily basis.

• When I summon the courage to follow through on something I feel is right for me (especially when others think it's crazy), I feel good about myself. 
• I realize how something daunting is easier to face in community rather than alone.  I stood on the shore of that lake among hundreds of fellow "Polar Bears" and plunged forward without hesitation because we were doing it together.
• Overcoming the fear and stinking thinking is the greatest challenge.  When I woke up to find it was raining, I actually thought of skipping the plunge because it would be unpleasant to get wet and cold.  It was easy to see through how silly that rationalization was.  Maybe I can draw on that the next time I want to find an excuse to avoid the unknown - hitting the water was worth it and I am glad fear didn't deprive me of the experience.
• It is a good thing to leave my comfort zone for a bigger comfort zone.
• Submerging myself in frigid water is an awakening to how thrilling it is to be super concious in the moment.  Too often I spend the present moments that make up my daily life thinking about the past, worrying about the future or trying to escape reality by just tuning out the here and now.  I recognize how damaging it is and yet it's so tough for me to consistently overcome.  But when I went in that lake, all that disappeared naturally and the experience came alive in a mindful rush of the moment at hand.

So it all leaves me thinking, do I have to go to extremes to be alive in the moment?  Or could there be value in realizing that I have it in me and I would benefit from practicing mindfulness on dry land?

I am grateful to the YMCA's Camp Widjiwagan for organizing this event.  The programs and facilities of the YMCA have been a blessing to us over the years.

While this was my first "Polar Bear Plunge", cold water has been floating my boat for awhile.  Here's why. 

Round, slow 40-something spotted in road race

In my first official 5K race in over a year...

I came in 2nd to last in my age group.

Click here if you want to see runner #120.  I am waiting by the phone for the Biggest Loser people to call.

Oh well, it was a beautiful day and a good cause.

Weigh in

I am not shy about revealing how over weight I am.  At 6'1" with my large frame, I should be around 200.  I'm hoping that publishing it on my blog will motivate weight loss solutions.

On January 18, I posted that I weighed in at 235.  This morning, the scale read 228.  I've lost about a pound a week mainly through increased cardio exercise.  I'm at the "Y" or on the treadmill at home at least three times a week.  Over this past weekend, I was able to run 4 miles in just over 40 minutes.  Right after that, I signed up to run a 5K race weekend after next.  Since I'm ready for that distance now, that will keep me motivated to keep up the pace.

I have not changed my diet much at all.  I imagine if I did, the pounds would fall off a lot faster.  But I've said before that I'm exercising for what it does for my head at least as much as what it does for my waist line.

It's hard for me to imagine what I would look like at 200 pounds or how I would get there.  I'm not sure I'm even interested.  For now, I need the stress release the exercise provides and that happens to have benefits. 

Ten reasons I take cold showers after my workout

I posted back in November about taking a cold shower after a workout.  It's now a fixture of my routine at the Y.

Here are some reasons it works for me:

1. It cools me down FAST.
2. When my skull gets soaked to the scalp with the fixture turned all the way to the right, I turn into Spiderman with my senses.  I feel my heart pounding, I hear myself yell "Whoa!", I see steam coming off my shoulders, I smell ammonia and taste ice water.
3. It maintains the momentum the cardio workout started - not calorie burning, rather, outwardly focused thinking.  In 2009 I'm exercising for my mind, not my body.
4. It takes courage and having courage is satisfying.
5. It makes taking a sauna after the shower more enjoyable.
6. I like a good adrenaline rush as much as the next guy.
7. It makes you appreciate a hot shower more.
8. It's refreshing the second time around after the sauna, and makes the steam room after that much better.
9. I rarely break a sweat again after dressing.
10. Blogging about the benefits of taking a cold shower after a good workout drives traffic.

Side note: I'm at 235 pounds today, much heavier than I want to be.  I just haven't arrested my appetite to go along with the exercise.  No way I hit 240 and I want to be under 220 by April Fool's Day.

Back in Training Mode

We joined the YMCA this month and have really enjoyed it so far.  We've gone primarily to the Brentwood Y on Concord Road.

After an unsettling day at work Wednesday, I went to the Y, dropped the kids off at the kid's area and hit the treadmill.   I ran 5K in about 29:30.  That's not too far off from where I was a couple years ago - the last time I trained.

My goals are to release tension (check), lose 25 pounds (BHAG), and finish the Firecracker 5K race on July 4th in less than 30 minutes.  We'll see what God has in store.