I could have easily caught a horrible beating in the sauna at the YMCA today. And all because I almost put on a rubber sweat suit.
A friend and I have been working out at the YMCA consistently for about a month and are starting to enjoy the benefits of regular exercise. And by that I mean, we walk around like we own the place. The thing is, membership in the Y means baring yourself (often literally) and your sociological underpinnings to the community in general. One thing I have observed is that the YMCA, in addition to harboring smells I have never encountered anywhere else, is a self-contained behavioral laboratory. In particular, it's difficult not to notice behavior that, when filtered through my own preconceptions, seems odd. And if I notice it, sometimes I feel like reacting to it.
For instance, there's the guy who stands in front of a mirror using the communal hair dryer to dry off his balls and butt crack. There's also the guy who reclines naked on the armchairs to watch Fox News (obviously engaging in two abhorrent behaviors simultaneously). Really? Did I really just see that? I don't think I would do that at home let alone in the YMCA locker room. But I guess that's a hang up of mine and I shouldn't judge it as deviant behavior.
Much more commonly seen are members who clearly believe that the rules do not apply to them. In the above example, I have to say "to each his own", for there are no signs saying "Please: Don't Use the Hair Dryer on Your Balls". But there are signs every few feet at the Y that expressly prohibit the use of cell phones in the workout area. Yet I regularly see people making and taking calls while on an exercise machine. Some even have the hands free ear pieces to make it even more convenient to ignore the rules. Now, this in particular is not one of my personal pet peeves, but I understand that there is a common conception that it's rude. Furthermore, I'm aware that wierdos can and do take unauthorized photographs with their cell phones. So the Y has a policy against it. That's it, right? But in comes the psychological mindset that drives a person to openly flaunt the rules in public. I tend to think it's arrogance above all else, but maybe certain people are just oblivious. Maybe it's both or something else, I don't get it.
In my view, the regulatory stakes are raised when I get inside the locker room complex. This area includes lockers, toilets, showers and the hot tub, sauna and steam room. In addition to the cell phone ban, there are certain hygienic rules. Nevertheless, there are always the dudes that go in the hot tub without a swimsuit. Or let it all hang out in the sauna. I've even seen a guy pour a bucket of water on the heating element in the sauna, situated under a huge sign that says that could ruin it or cause electrocution. And when that happens, do I confront the violation head on? Usually, no. It can however turn into a passive aggressive drama in which I see how far I can push it without dealing with it like an adult.
Which brings me to today's incident in the sauna which I should really turn into a script for Curb Your Enthusiasm. In this case, my buddy and I entered the sauna and found something we've never seen before. There, taking up 3/4 of the cedar bench space, were three carefully laid out sweat suits...without anyone in them. With a closer look, these were not your ordinary sweat suits. They appeared to be made of a rubbery material.
My friend and I had a discussion about how these suits got there, who they belonged to and why the owners left them there to bake. Incidentally, we agreed it was bad form to take up most of the limited space in the sauna to preheat one's sweat suit. We wondered if leaving a sweat suit in the sauna was the functional equivalent of leaving the newspaper behind, and thus fair game for anyone to utilize. We laughed as we imagined the owners returning to carry out their elaborate sweat mission only to find us quietly meditating wearing their suits. It would be the ultimate passive aggressive censure of this absurd ritual playing out before us. My friend encouraged me to try on the biggest suit. I felt kind of like Goldilocks as a checked the door and then leaned over and picked up the top portion of the suit. I honestly might have put the thing on if it wasn't immediately clear that the only thing harder than getting that thing on would be getting it off. It would have been like trying to wear a rubber as a shirt.
No sooner had I put it back in roughly the same place, did the Three Bears in this Goldilocks drama return to the sauna. We gave them the obligatory nod as they sat down next to, really all over, the suits. One produced a jar of something which he began rubbing all over his torso. I gathered this was the "lube" needed to don the suit. Just then my friend, who is able and willing to talk to anyone, asked the question: "Are those your suits?"
"Yes", was the answer to the silly question. But then the little one volunteered some shocking information. They were using these suits in order to make weight later that day prior to their mixed martial arts cage fights the next night. It didn't take 10 seconds to realize these guys were the real deal with their tattoos, scars and crooked noses. They were all built like a brick shit house. The big one even had the grotesque "cauliflower" ear that these fighters get from getting torn up over and over.
Needless to say, I was glad I wasn't wearing the big one's sweat suit when they walked back in. The sauna would have reminded him of the cage as he rehearsed his Brazilian Jujitsu arts on me. Later I asked my friend if he would have admitted knowing me. I learned he would have instinctively replied, "Nope, I just saw him put your condom suit on with nothing underneath."
We got answers to a few sincere questions regarding the tough way they made a living:
One had to lose 8 more pounds in the next 4 hours.
It was the smaller one's first professional fight but he said he wasn't nervous.
Wrestling is in the background of most MMA fighters.
Talking in the sauna only makes you suffer heat exhaustion more quickly. "I'm tapping out fellas," I said as I got up to leave. Not a word or a chuckle at my clever comment, which confirmed that these guys likely had no sense of humor on weigh-in day. Yes, wearing the suit likely would not have made them laugh so much.
So many lessons to learn at the Y. "Live and let live" is probably the safest route. It's up to me to follow the rules, and not up to me to make sure everyone else does. And if someone else's behavior is bothering me, there's likely something I should address within myself first. Most importantly, always assume there's a cage fighter waiting to catch me acting like a wise-ass.
